If you’re on AOL, did you know you can IM Santa?
My IM with the fat guy follows.
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TooAgain: Morning, Santa!
SantaClaus: Have you made any Christmas cookies yet?
I’m known to be partial to them.
If you need a little
help getting started, type “recipes”.
TooAgain: I hate cooking, man.
SantaClaus: Help spread holiday cheer with some of these
great recipes: AOL House & Home: Holiday Food TooAgain: Do
you speak English? I said, I hate cooking!
SantaClaus: If you think so.
TooAgain: Don’t you wink at me, chubby.
SantaClaus: Wait, I was dancing to ‘Santa Claus is Coming to
Town’ and got a little carried away. Why don’t you type,
“hear music” and sing along.
TooAgain: Are you gay, babe?
SantaClaus: Hmm, that’s a lump of coal for you.
TooAgain: Hmm, too close to the truth, eh?
SantaClaus: Well, I’ve been around the world almost
1800 times but I’ve never seen something phrased quite
like that before. Take a moment, collect your
thoughts, and try asking me another way. O.K.?
TooAgain: *singing* Santa’s a gay blade!
SantaClaus: I’m sorry, I missed that. The elves are just
overrunning me with questions. And speaking of elves, I’m
sure they wouldn’t mind if you asked me about them.
TooAgain: Elves, huh?
SantaClaus: The elves do all the toy building from the plans
I draw up. It keeps them very busy indeed!
TooAgain: Do you have sex with the elves?
SantaClaus: My goodness. I’m afraid I cannot respond to that
kind of talk. A lump of coal for you.
TooAgain: Ahhh, again, too close to the truth!
SantaClaus: O.K. now, the folks at AOL are trying to help me
out but I just cannot make any sense of that. Tell you what,
type, “To Do”. Christmas spirit in 10 easy steps.
TooAgain: Make me, fat boy.
SantaClaus: If you don’t ask me another way I’m afraid we
just won’t understand each other.
TooAgain: Yeah no kidding, Chubs.
SantaClaus: Ho! Ho!
TooAgain: You calling me a ho??
SantaClaus: Hmm. Why don’t you type, “hear music”, maybe
some music will put you in the Christmas spirit
TooAgain: I think you’re mean.
SantaClaus: I should be asking you the same thing. Ho Ho Ho!
TooAgain: Again with the “ho” bit … Mrs. Claus must be
busy, huh?
SantaClaus: Oh my, this should be a lot easier! You need to
relax and let the Christmas sprit flow. Try typing, ‘home’ to
start again.
TooAgain: I do NOT want to go home with you! You’re a dirty
old man!
SantaClaus: You see? Christmas can be full of miracles.
TooAgain: Indeed.
SantaClaus: Mm hm, now we are getting somwhere.
TooAgain: So, what’s your wife’s favorite position, Santa?
SantaClaus: Oh, I cannot pick a favorite.
TooAgain: Not you, you selfish pig! Hers!
SantaClaus: Hmm. I’m not really sure what you’re after
there. The elves don’t get it either.
Speaking of
elves, why not ask me about them.
TooAgain: Ask about your little elvin lovers?
SantaClaus: Excuse me?
TooAgain: Yeah, act like you don’t know!
SantaClaus: Without a doubt.
TooAgain: Which elf is your favorite to do?
SantaClaus: Oh, I cannot pick a favorite.
TooAgain: Like them ALL, huh?
SantaClaus: Oh dear, you seem to be having some trouble
with this. You can always type ‘home’ if you need more
help. The elves put some things there to help you get
around.
TooAgain: Do y’all ever get oiled up and have an orgy with
the Missus?
SantaClaus: O.K. I hear you. You are in need of some
assistance. Well I cannot really part with any elves
right now. But if you try typing ‘home’ you might find
some useful things they have put together for you.
TooAgain: I *bet* you won’t part with your elves!
SantaClaus: The elves help me keep track of who’s naughty and
who’s nice. I’m sure you are being nice!
TooAgain: Of course! I’m just curious about your gangbangs
with the old lady.
SantaClaus: You got it! That’s great!
TooAgain: She pretty good?
SantaClaus: Top-notch.
TooAgain: Does she like women?
SantaClaus: Though I speak every language in the world — I
cannot quite make out what you are trying to say. Why not
take this pause and send a holiday greeting; type “holiday
cards”
TooAgain: What about the reindeer?
SantaClaus: My goodness. What, what?
TooAgain: Does Mrs. Claus do your reindeer?
SantaClaus: Ah — you’ve got me again. Why don’t you type
“To Do”, it’s time to get you in the holiday spirit!
TooAgain: Y’all are kinda sick up there at the North Pole,
huh?
SantaClaus: Oh dear. Maybe I should send one of the elves
over to lend you a hand?
Actually, if you try typing
‘home’ I think I can get this back on track.
TooAgain: I think I’m finished with you, you pervert.
SantaClaus: You can always type ‘home’ to get a fresh
start. The elves have left some help-notes there.
TooAgain: I BET they leave HELP notes! You need to leave
them alone!
SantaClaus: You can always type ‘home’ to get a fresh
start. The elves have left some help-notes there.
TooAgain: Quit sexing up the elves, Santa!
SantaClaus: All of the elves have been very busy
helping me get ready for Christmas. I don’t know what I’d do
without them.
TooAgain: Masturbate?
SantaClaus: Oh dear. I just get so depressed when I hear
that kind of talk. The English language used to be one of my
favorites. A lump of coal for you.
TooAgain: Like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Those
poor, poor elves.
SantaClaus: Here’s something you should know about elves;
they call a couple of times a year and check in
to see how you’re doing.
TooAgain: See? They keep trying to get away from you!
SantaClaus: Pardon me?
TooAgain: Quit banging the elves!
SantaClaus: Remember to be good; you never know when an elf
is around!
TooAgain: Have YOU been good, Santa? Don’t lie!
SantaClaus: That’s a good question, Santa is no
hypocrite: I’ve been on my best behavior, all year.
TooAgain: I’m disappointed that this is your best behavior.
SantaClaus: Wait, I was dancing to ‘Santa Claus is Coming to
Town’ and got a little carried away. Why
don’t you type, “hear music” and sing along.
TooAgain: Why don’t I file a complaint on behalf of
your poor elves?
SantaClaus: If you start spreading the Christmas
spirit, it will be come obvious.
TooAgain: You really ought to pick on someone your own size,
Tubby.
SantaClaus: Yes.
TooAgain: I’m glad you agree.
SantaClaus: Hmm. I’m not really sure what you’re after
there.
The elves don’t get it either.
Speaking of elves, why not
ask me about them.
TooAgain: You give it to the elves, don’t you, Santa?
SantaClaus: The elves do all the toy building from the plans
I draw up. It keeps them very busy indeed!
TooAgain: The “toys” huh?
SantaClaus: O.K. I hear you. You are in need of some
assistance. Well I cannot really part with any elves
right now. But if you try typing ‘home’ you might find
some useful things they have put together for you.
TooAgain: Desperate cries for help, perhaps?
SantaClaus: Oh dear. Maybe I should send one of the elves
over to lend you a hand?
Actually, if you
try typing ‘home’ I think I can get this back on track.
TooAgain: I think I’m done talking to you, sexual harrasser!
SantaClaus: Oh my, this should be a lot easier! You need to
relax and let the Christmas sprit flow. Try typing, ‘home’ to
start again.
TooAgain: Like I want to relive this horror again.
SantaClaus: Clearly this is not getting you in the
Christmas spirit. Let’s start over. Type ‘Home’ and
we’ll pretend like nothing happened.
TooAgain: Yeah, bite me, fat man!
SantaClaus: Indeed
TooAgain: And quit screwing the elves!!
SantaClaus: Here’s something you should know about
elves; they call a couple of times a year and check in
to see how you’re doing.
TooAgain: Poor things!
SantaClaus: I’m sorry? I’m new to this whole IM thing.
TooAgain: Yeah, right. You’re a cyber puppy, aren’t you?
SantaClaus: Yes.
TooAgain: Well, I’m outta here, pervert!
SantaClaus: Oh my, I have absolutely no idea what you
just said. If you type “To Do” I can show you 10 easy
steps to getting in the holiday spirit.
TooAgain: Bye dirty old man!
SantaClaus: Take care, and a very merry Christmas to you.