Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a fricken book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
Santa

Dear Santa, I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid “Francis”nowadays? I bet you’re gay.
Santa

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa

Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

Dear Santa, Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m skipping your house.
Santa

Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again.
Santa

Dearest Santa, We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa

Deck My Balls

Deck my balls with boughs of holly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Tap the keg, inflate the dolly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Don we now our rubber panties,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
We’re a bunch of twisted Santies,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Naughty girls are such a treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
These North Poles were made for pleasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Screwed the elves, screwed all the reindeer,
Fa la la la la, la la la.
Screw the cookies, bring us COLD BEER!
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

The BDSM Days of Christmas

On the 1st day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me…
A Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me…
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me…
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 4th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me…
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 5th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me…
FIVE ANAL BEADS …,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 6th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me…
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS …,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 7th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me…
7 Crops a Swinging,
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS …,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 8th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me…
8 Floggers Flogging,
7 Crops a Swinging,
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS …,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 9th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me…
9 Candles Dripping,
8 Floggers Flogging,
7 Crops a Swinging,
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS …,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 10th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me…
10 Scenes a Whipping,
9 Candles Dripping,
8 Floggers Flogging,
7 Crops a Swinging,
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS …,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees

On the 11th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me…
11 Pairs of Stockings,
10 Scenes a Whipping,
9 Candles Dripping,
8 Floggers Flogging,
7 Crops a Swinging,
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS …,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 12th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me…
12 Orgasms Screaming,
11 Pairs of Stockings,
10 Scenes a Whipping,
9 Candles Dripping,
8 Floggers Flogging,
7 Crops a Swinging,
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS …,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
1 Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

If you’re on AOL, did you know you can IM Santa?
My IM with the fat guy follows.

==========================================

TooAgain: Morning, Santa!

SantaClaus: Have you made any Christmas cookies yet?
I’m known to be partial to them. If you need a little
help getting started, type “recipes”.

TooAgain: I hate cooking, man.

SantaClaus: Help spread holiday cheer with some of these
great recipes: AOL House & Home: Holiday Food TooAgain: Do
you speak English? I said, I hate cooking!
SantaClaus: If you think so.

TooAgain: Don’t you wink at me, chubby.

SantaClaus: Wait, I was dancing to ‘Santa Claus is Coming to
Town’ and got a little carried away. Why don’t you type,
“hear music” and sing along.

TooAgain: Are you gay, babe?

SantaClaus: Hmm, that’s a lump of coal for you.

TooAgain: Hmm, too close to the truth, eh?

SantaClaus: Well, I’ve been around the world almost
1800 times but I’ve never seen something phrased quite
like that before. Take a moment, collect your
thoughts, and try asking me another way. O.K.?

TooAgain: *singing* Santa’s a gay blade!

SantaClaus: I’m sorry, I missed that. The elves are just
overrunning me with questions. And speaking of elves, I’m
sure they wouldn’t mind if you asked me about them.

TooAgain: Elves, huh?

SantaClaus: The elves do all the toy building from the plans
I draw up. It keeps them very busy indeed!

TooAgain: Do you have sex with the elves?

SantaClaus: My goodness. I’m afraid I cannot respond to that
kind of talk. A lump of coal for you.

TooAgain: Ahhh, again, too close to the truth!

SantaClaus: O.K. now, the folks at AOL are trying to help me
out but I just cannot make any sense of that. Tell you what,
type, “To Do”. Christmas spirit in 10 easy steps.

TooAgain: Make me, fat boy.

SantaClaus: If you don’t ask me another way I’m afraid we
just won’t understand each other.

TooAgain: Yeah no kidding, Chubs.

SantaClaus: Ho! Ho!

TooAgain: You calling me a ho??

SantaClaus: Hmm. Why don’t you type, “hear music”, maybe
some music will put you in the Christmas spirit

TooAgain: I think you’re mean.

SantaClaus: I should be asking you the same thing. Ho Ho Ho!

TooAgain: Again with the “ho” bit … Mrs. Claus must be
busy, huh?

SantaClaus: Oh my, this should be a lot easier! You need to
relax and let the Christmas sprit flow. Try typing, ‘home’ to
start again.

TooAgain: I do NOT want to go home with you! You’re a dirty
old man!

SantaClaus: You see? Christmas can be full of miracles.

TooAgain: Indeed.

SantaClaus: Mm hm, now we are getting somwhere.

TooAgain: So, what’s your wife’s favorite position, Santa?

SantaClaus: Oh, I cannot pick a favorite.

TooAgain: Not you, you selfish pig! Hers!

SantaClaus: Hmm. I’m not really sure what you’re after
there. The elves don’t get it either. Speaking of
elves, why not ask me about them.

TooAgain: Ask about your little elvin lovers?

SantaClaus: Excuse me?

TooAgain: Yeah, act like you don’t know!

SantaClaus: Without a doubt.

TooAgain: Which elf is your favorite to do?

SantaClaus: Oh, I cannot pick a favorite.

TooAgain: Like them ALL, huh?

SantaClaus: Oh dear, you seem to be having some trouble
with this. You can always type ‘home’ if you need more
help. The elves put some things there to help you get
around.

TooAgain: Do y’all ever get oiled up and have an orgy with
the Missus?

SantaClaus: O.K. I hear you. You are in need of some
assistance. Well I cannot really part with any elves
right now. But if you try typing ‘home’ you might find
some useful things they have put together for you.

TooAgain: I *bet* you won’t part with your elves!

SantaClaus: The elves help me keep track of who’s naughty and
who’s nice. I’m sure you are being nice!

TooAgain: Of course! I’m just curious about your gangbangs
with the old lady.

SantaClaus: You got it! That’s great!

TooAgain: She pretty good?

SantaClaus: Top-notch.

TooAgain: Does she like women?

SantaClaus: Though I speak every language in the world — I
cannot quite make out what you are trying to say. Why not
take this pause and send a holiday greeting; type “holiday
cards”

TooAgain: What about the reindeer?

SantaClaus: My goodness. What, what?

TooAgain: Does Mrs. Claus do your reindeer?

SantaClaus: Ah — you’ve got me again. Why don’t you type
“To Do”, it’s time to get you in the holiday spirit!

TooAgain: Y’all are kinda sick up there at the North Pole,
huh?

SantaClaus: Oh dear. Maybe I should send one of the elves
over to lend you a hand? Actually, if you try typing
‘home’ I think I can get this back on track.

TooAgain: I think I’m finished with you, you pervert.

SantaClaus: You can always type ‘home’ to get a fresh
start. The elves have left some help-notes there.

TooAgain: I BET they leave HELP notes! You need to leave
them alone!

SantaClaus: You can always type ‘home’ to get a fresh
start. The elves have left some help-notes there.

TooAgain: Quit sexing up the elves, Santa!

SantaClaus: All of the elves have been very busy
helping me get ready for Christmas. I don’t know what I’d do
without them.

TooAgain: Masturbate?

SantaClaus: Oh dear. I just get so depressed when I hear
that kind of talk. The English language used to be one of my
favorites. A lump of coal for you.

TooAgain: Like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Those
poor, poor elves.

SantaClaus: Here’s something you should know about elves;
they call a couple of times a year and check in
to see how you’re doing.

TooAgain: See? They keep trying to get away from you!

SantaClaus: Pardon me?

TooAgain: Quit banging the elves!

SantaClaus: Remember to be good; you never know when an elf
is around!

TooAgain: Have YOU been good, Santa? Don’t lie!

SantaClaus: That’s a good question, Santa is no
hypocrite: I’ve been on my best behavior, all year.

TooAgain: I’m disappointed that this is your best behavior.

SantaClaus: Wait, I was dancing to ‘Santa Claus is Coming to
Town’ and got a little carried away. Why
don’t you type, “hear music” and sing along.

TooAgain: Why don’t I file a complaint on behalf of
your poor elves?

SantaClaus: If you start spreading the Christmas
spirit, it will be come obvious.

TooAgain: You really ought to pick on someone your own size,
Tubby.

SantaClaus: Yes.

TooAgain: I’m glad you agree.

SantaClaus: Hmm. I’m not really sure what you’re after
there.
The elves don’t get it either. Speaking of elves, why not
ask me about them.

TooAgain: You give it to the elves, don’t you, Santa?

SantaClaus: The elves do all the toy building from the plans
I draw up. It keeps them very busy indeed!

TooAgain: The “toys” huh?

SantaClaus: O.K. I hear you. You are in need of some
assistance. Well I cannot really part with any elves
right now. But if you try typing ‘home’ you might find
some useful things they have put together for you.

TooAgain: Desperate cries for help, perhaps?

SantaClaus: Oh dear. Maybe I should send one of the elves
over to lend you a hand? Actually, if you
try typing ‘home’ I think I can get this back on track.

TooAgain: I think I’m done talking to you, sexual harrasser!

SantaClaus: Oh my, this should be a lot easier! You need to
relax and let the Christmas sprit flow. Try typing, ‘home’ to
start again.

TooAgain: Like I want to relive this horror again.

SantaClaus: Clearly this is not getting you in the
Christmas spirit. Let’s start over. Type ‘Home’ and
we’ll pretend like nothing happened.

TooAgain: Yeah, bite me, fat man!

SantaClaus: Indeed

TooAgain: And quit screwing the elves!!

SantaClaus: Here’s something you should know about
elves; they call a couple of times a year and check in
to see how you’re doing.

TooAgain: Poor things!

SantaClaus: I’m sorry? I’m new to this whole IM thing.

TooAgain: Yeah, right. You’re a cyber puppy, aren’t you?

SantaClaus: Yes.

TooAgain: Well, I’m outta here, pervert!

SantaClaus: Oh my, I have absolutely no idea what you
just said. If you type “To Do” I can show you 10 easy
steps to getting in the holiday spirit.

TooAgain: Bye dirty old man!

SantaClaus: Take care, and a very merry Christmas to you.

The Top 18 Warning Labels on Toys

18> G.I. JOE: “Warning: The term ‘Action figure’ is a
euphemism for ‘dolly’.”

17> EZ BAKE OVEN: “Light bulb heating unit is warm enough to
melt crayons, but will not affect e-coli bacteria.”

16> POKEMON: “This toy will result in your first addiction.
Cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, and heroin will
inevitably follow.”

15> YAHTZEE!: “Game score accuracy not guaranteed in Florida.”

14> YO-YO: “Regardless of skill lever, use of this
product can never — I repeat, *never* — make you look
cool.”

13> “MY SIZE” BARBIE: “Mattel not liable for incidents
of doll coming to life, throwing you in its box,
putting on *your* clothes, and seamlessly assuming your
place in the family, only with more success than you
ever had.”

12> BETSY WETSY: “For ages 3-7 only, you perv!”

11> FURBY: “Warning to Parents: Gets annoying in like 5
minutes, and you face the risk of seeming soooo 1998.”

10> CLUE: “Hint to blondes: While we DO encourage you to buy
our game, but this is not what everybody meant.”

9> MAGIC 8-BALL: “Not intended for making important decisions,
President Bush.”

8> LAVA LAMP: “Contains less than 2% incandescent magma from
the Earth’s mantle.”

7> RAZOR SCOOTER: “Will instantly render user
indistinguishable from every other kid nationwide.”

6> BIG MOUTH BILLY BASS: “A singing fish — what the
hell were you thinking?”

5> ETCH-A-SKETCH: “Caution: Product will almost
certainly be used to draw a large, rectangular penis.”

4> PLAYSTATION 2: “Not intended as a parental
substitute. May stunt social growth. Increased
popularity among your peers is only temporary. Will
not make you happy, even if your dad did pay $600 for
it on Ebay. Note to parents: Sure, it’s expensive, but
think of all the money you’ll save on college tuition.”

3> HACKY SACK: “For use by hippies and slackers only.”

2> JUNIOR ELECTRIC GUITAR: “Maybe get a blister on your
finger. Maybe get a blister on your thumb.”

1> HARRY POTTER INVISIBILITY CAPE: “Invisibility not
guaranteed for use in opposite-gender locker room or
toilet facility.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000, 2002 by Chris White ]

Fill the House
(sung to the tune of Deck the Halls)

Fill the house with jubilation!
fa la la la la la la la la.
Billy Bob is on probation.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Ellie slept with brother Chester!
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Now she’s in her 3rd trimester.
Fa la la la la la la la la.

Give a cheer–we’re all together.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Claire is into whips and leather.
Fa la la la la la la la la .
Roy has formed his own milita.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Clem’s a pimp for cousin Tricia.
Fa la la la la la la la la.

Gather round and give a blessing.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Uncle Fred is still cross-dressing.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Jeff is on the floor with Donna.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Stoned on home-grown marijuana.
Fa la la la la la la la la.

Join our Christmas celebration.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Make our house your destination.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Every year’s a real hum-dinger.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Catch us soon on Jerry Springer!
Fa la la la la la la la la.

Q: Why is a blonde like a beer bottle?
A: It’s empty from the neck up!

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Q: Why is it good to have a blond passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: What did the blond think of the new computer?
A: She didn’t like it because she couldn’t get channel 9.

Q. Why do Blondes like a BMW better than a Mercedes?
A. They can spell BMW.

Q. What did the blonde say when he opened the box of Cheerios?
A. Doughnut seeds!

HORROR MOVIE SURVIVAL GUIDE

* When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it’s really dead.

* If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices in your house move away immediately.

* Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

* Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

* If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

* When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.

* As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

* Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

* If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*

* If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

* Do not take *anything* from the dead.

* If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

* Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.

* If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

* If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

* Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

* If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

* Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

* Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

Fun Things to do When Driving

1. Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who’s boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
23. Paint your car with occult symbols.
24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
26. Root for firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually … slow … down … to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.

A couple came upon a wishing well.  The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The wife decided to make a wish, too.  But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, “It really works!”